KAILEY
PHOTO BY RANDY BACON
KAILEY
“Take Time for You”
My life has likely looked pretty typical to most. I had what most would consider a “normal” childhood from the outside looking in. I grew up in a small country town, had a group of friends, went to a small school, played sports, went to sleepovers (all the typical stuff you do as a child). What most didn’t know, or see, is what happened outside of all that. I was sexually abused from 8 to about 15 years old, but no one knew until I was about 26 years old. I didn’t quite realize at the time what was happening, and honestly tried to ignore it the best I could. I grew up in a typical blue-collar household, both of my parents worked a lot, we weren’t exactly wealthy but we didn’t go without. My parents fought, not physically but it still caused a lot of trauma for me. I was bullied at school. My abuser was not family, they were a neighbor and our babysitter’s husband. Oddly enough, their house was the safe place I would go to. I would escape to my neighbors to get away from home. There, we had few rules to follow, but I was not safe.
As I’ve grown older I have had to come to terms with my past and try to heal from it. I learned that I had developed anxiety and depression at a young age but was not treated until I was older. I often remember thinking about wanting to die as an adolescent. But at that time, being naïve to mental health, I had no idea I needed help. It also didn’t help that I grew up in small town USA where stigma was very prevalent, you just didn’t talk about that stuff. Trying to navigate life as an adult is complicated enough, without adding needing to heal from your past to the mix. People often ask me why I didn’t tell anyone about the abuse until I was 26, and I honestly don’t know other than something just clicked and I knew I couldn’t hold onto that by myself anymore.
I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 16. We got married at 20 and 21, had our first baby boy at ages 22 and 23 and our second baby boy at age 23 and 23. Our children are 11 months apart and the same age for 18 days every year - not a lot of time to navigate being a parent in between babies. I struggled post-partum after our first. I remember lying in bed at night when our firstborn was less than six months old and just crying. All I could think about was, “What if I die and he doesn’t know me?” or “What if he dies, how would I live without him?” I was isolating myself and our son, I couldn’t go anywhere without someone because I was so afraid. I knew it was time to seek help, I could no longer rely on myself. My husband helped me to keep going and be the best person, mom, and wife I could be. This was hard for me after growing up in the environment I did and being the very independent person I am. I did it and didn’t look back.
For anyone else struggling like me I would tell them that self-care is essential. Take time for YOU! Don’t spend your life worrying about what others think, believe in who you are, don’t seek approval. Break the mold.
What keeps me going is my husband and children. My husband and I are high school sweethearts and I really didn’t open up to him about my trauma, anxiety, or depression until way later in our relationship. He never once looked at me differently. He embraced that side of me. He has always been there for me and continues to be, he does everything he can for our family and everything he can to make my dreams come true. My kids will always keep me going, I want them to see life differently than I did. I want to give them better but I also want to be able to instill in them that it’s okay to not be okay. I have two sons, I don’t ever want them to be afraid to speak out or reach out for help if they need it just because they are male.