So I basically describe my life in chapters, and the first one is about my mom and I. We were really close and we used to dance and sing together. I just remember never leaving her side. She would take me to preschool in the morning, and pick me up early so i could spend some time with her in her office. She worked as a paralegal, so even though she was very busy she never left me out. She would give me small tasks like running papers to the lawyers, or filling out “checks”. She was so balanced, patient and kind with me. I knew I could trust her unconditionally even from the very start. She was very close to my nana, who always helped out whenever she needed a break. They were my two happy places, and people. I loved chapter one of my life! I began growing up, and things took a turn.
My chapter two began with my parents getting a divorce, and that's when my mom started becoming sad and distant. Her family is the typical poor, lower side white family, with no positive influences who all made really bad decisions. Her mother had left her for drugs whenever she was a kid, so that’s the kind of commitment she knew. She wasn’t happy. My dad and her were so deeply in love and her addiction got in the way of that, breaking both of their hearts. Her addiction only prospered from there, making her distant, cold, and depressed. I felt like I barely knew her. I told my mom I knew she was doing drugs and that was not okay when I was about 8. The constant people going in and out of our house, people I didn’t know, and never got introduced to. I was having to spend more and more time in my room, which I had never done. She was bringing drugs into our house. Though I didn’t realize it then, my dad did and he stepped in and got me out. I went from 50/50 custody, to a 2 hour weekly visit. Our relationship deteriorated and we became detached...it was so hard on her knowing that her 8-year-old daughter knew she was doing drugs, but she couldn't stop. That when everything came to a crashing halt, and life hit everyone extremely hard.
Shortly thereafter it happened - my terrible chapter three. It seemed like one day I woke up with my mom and the next day she just disappeared out of my life. She stopped coming to the visits and i didn’t hear from her for months. I will never forget that date, October 11, 2006, when I was only 8-years-old. She literally left me on her birthday. I remember going to her house to bring her a birthday card and giving her a big hug. We talked, and I filled her in on the things that had been going on in school. I hadn’t seen her for months. She was skinny, smaller than me, and frail. It was scary to look at her, but I couldn’t help but to love her just as much. That was the last hug I got from my mom and I haven't seen her since she left, almost 10 years ago. It is the most heart break I had ever felt. I was mad at everybody but her. (I know it seems weird, but she was my girl and I was hers). I cry still thinking about the way it all happened.
Being a teenager without your mom in your life is rough, and I became extremely jealous of my friends and their relationships with their moms. I was very lonely, and felt out of place in the world. I always found myself wondering where she is, what she was doing, and why I wasn't good enough for her to quit her ugly habit. I had anxiety that kept me awake thinking about all of the scary things that she could be going through. I was also going through a lot of bullying at school. I hated school, which was also a strange idea to me. I had always loved showing up to school and seeing all of my friends and teachers. Moving my eighth grade year was one of the hardest. Kids were so mean to me, and hated me from my first day. I walked to the halls, classes and sat on the bus alone for a long time. I cried thinking of going to school, and high school wasn’t much better. My only relief is the time I spent with my grandmother, "Nana", at her house. We cuddled with the animals and watched movies. I spent time with someone who let me confide and trust her. She made me feel safe. Everything happening in those years where I was suppose to be a free-spirited teen, but in many ways my childhood was stolen, but I am only going to use it to be a better person! What good is going to do to be angry about the past, I couldn’t do anything about it, and I can’t change it now so I have chose to grow from it. I am very mature, taking care of myself from a small girl has made me realize how incredibly strong I am, and that I can handle anything.
Now looking back through my life of many chapters, I know there will be many more, but I am at such a great place. I’ve been a grown up since I was 7-years-old because I had to. I didn’t have a mom. It was hard being with my dad, but he taught me a lot as well. He made me a tough girl, and it built me into an independent thinker, someone who isn’t intimidated of challenges. (He has always loved me, but that doesn’t mean he is the right one to confide in with drama or about boys and all of that fun stuff:)) But, this goes to show that even if you have ONE stable adult in your life, that you can trust with ANYTHING, you will make it. I had Nana, and she makes me proud to come from the past that I have because I know know that you will make it! You hear look back on your past and have to learn how not to own it. I never look back and say “I wish that hadn’t of done that” because of where I am now. And that’s my whole thing. I would not change one single thing about my life. Not the nights I wondered why I was even still on earth, not the sad, lonely parts walking through the hallways alone. I wouldn’t even change losing my mom just because I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And I love that person I am now, very much. I am so confident in who I am today and where i’m going to be. I absolutely adore my life, and would never change it. That doesn’t mean I don’t get sad sometimes, because i do, and growing into a young women seems to be harder without my mom by my side. But again, I have my number one fan, and best girl Nana by my side - I couldn't love anyone more than her. And I know 10 years from now I’m going to have a nice house, two dogs, a husband, and children and we’re going to be making pancakes with each other on Sunday morning and it will just all just be okay. Nana says, "I would say she’s not done walking through it yet , but my is she laying a good path. The path she’s lying, it’s solid, it’s heading to the right light. She’s just a gorgeous person and she’s going to be even greater."