I lost my two youngest children because I was a meth addict. I lost my youngest son to adoption. I had been a successful, single mom for 18-years. I started using meth occasionally as a way to get things accomplished without much need for rest. That occasional use finally spiraled into full addiction.The day I lost them was one of the worst days of my life. My mother had custody of them as a foster parent for a year and a half.
After I got my children back, I couldn’t cope with all the responsibilities at once, and soon couldn’t pass a drug test - I once again had to look to my mother as their foster mom. My youngest blamed his grandma for taking him away from me and he became abusive toward her. He was age 8 at the time. She was told by Division of Family Services that he would have to be temporarily moved.
Thankfully she was told she could pick a family for temporary foster care, but she could find no one, none of the family, etcetera. In desperation, and out of the blue, my mom asked the library aid at my son's school. Her daughter and Nash were in the same class and only lived a block and a half away from mom. He had become very attached to them in the two weeks previously and Mom had known them since he started school.
After prayer and discussion she and her husband agreed. It was to be only six months, but the state changed their mind. They informed me that they were placing him in the foster family as an adoptee. I could either sign my rights away voluntarily or they would terminate my rights. I signed my rights away with his adoptive mom holding my hand at the lawyer’s office. This was truly the darkest day in my life! Another reason NOT to use. You see, Missouri is a closed adoption state. The parents don’t have to have contact with me, but God was planning this for several reasons. And God is far bigger than we are.
Shortly after the adoption was final the family was transferred to Iowa, another very dark day for me. Realizing that he was too old to forget his brothers, mom and grandma, I was told I could write letters and call him twice a year. I was thankful for that but still extremely depressed. Imagine my surprise when they came back for Christmas and met all of us at a restaurant before seeing anyone else. I have now been up to Iowa four times to see him. I even stayed with the family a few times. I love them all dearly, but it is hard. Adjusting to how they discipline, etcetera, but I keep remembering that God did this, it is His plan and I dedicated my son to the Lord when he was 2-years-old (while I was clean for a minute!)
I may not understand it, but I trust God. Strange as it may seem, losing him to adoption saved my life. Had he still been in the home, (my other two boys were grown by then), I would not have been allowed to go to my mom’s to stay when I got clean nearly three years ago. Had I not had a place to go when I got clean, I would still have been on the street and possibly still using. Now I have my mom and my two oldest sons close to me and my youngest still loving me from afar. (We now have a fantastic relationship, although different than when I lost him. Our bond has never been broken!)
God is so good. While my life is far from perfect, God is with me every step of the way, and He is teaching me to be thankful for all the blessings in my life! When I was in my darkest days, I had no hope, but there is always hope - never give up! When you think your story is over, it most likely is truly just beginning!