(Read Anthony's Chapter 2 "Transgender" below)
On April 27th, 2014, I attempted to kill myself and almost succeeded. I got to a point where everything I had been through with my life and myself, my battle with my religion, my sexuality... it all became too much to handle.
On that night in April, someone said some hurtful words that brought me down and completely destroyed me.That night when I shut my laptop, I decided that I was done with everything and that I couldn’t live anymore. I didn’t see any light in this darkness that I had. I just drove to the grocery store and bought all the pills that I could, took them when I got home, and tucked myself into bed.
A few minutes later, I realized what I had really done, so I messaged my friend and said “I did something really bad and I don’t know what to do- I just thought I should message you.’ She was the only friend who took the time to message me back. She asked ‘What’s wrong? What did you do? You can talk to me.’ So I messaged her back and told her what I had just done.
I could already feel my body rejecting all of the pills at that point. She hadn’t responded for a while and I figured it was because she didn’t know what to say. It was really because she was on the phone with the police trying to get them to go to my house. After 30 minutes, I got a knock on the door and the police came into my room. I was just laying there- so out of it. I remember watching it all happen and not responding, but I remember having a feeling of relief because they were there to help me and get me out of that situation. I just started crying because I was wanting to end everything, but there were still people who cared about me enough to want to help me get out of that hole that I was in.
After about 3 days of staying in the hospital, I was taken to a behavioral health center. Being put into a mental health facility scared me, even though everyone I met there was extremely nice, their issues were just as extreme. I changed my whole view on life there. The classes that I took and the people that I met there were just so life changing. It was so incredible to see people who had the same issues and struggles as me but who were making an effort to actually change their view about it.
Looking back on my attempt at suicide, I am so thankful that I wasn't successful in taking my own life. I realize there are many people that love me and no matter how bleak the future may look, there is hope. Before I go (and I want to go naturally), I want to make sure that I lived life fully and that I appreciated every experience, good or bad. That is my message to anybody going through something like this: Remember that you are loved, there is hope and live life fully appreciating the experience it is.