Anthony's Story - Chapter 3 "An Awesome Son"

Intro:

Struggling with depression?  Suicidal thoughts? Anthony definitely has until he stopped listening to what everyone else thought he should do to be happy:

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Looking back at my depression at its extreme, I sort of felt like I was being buried alive. It was a very slow and agonizing experience and honestly I felt so helpless. It was like trying to scream from 12 feet under, but each time I opened my mouth, more dirt would just be piled on top of me. I think what hurt me the most about it though was the fact that even though I was suffering with this, even though I screamed louder and louder, the world kept going. That's one of my biggest fears if I'm being completely honest - For my existence to mean absolutely nothing and for the world to not even remember my story...my history. Now I'm not saying that I don't suffer from my occasional episode of utter sadness, because I definitely do here and there. I decided to make my depression only ONE of my problems and not all 99 of them...I'm able to live my life how I want. My depression does not define who I am as a person and it shouldn't define anyone who has to deal with it. It doesn't matter where you've been. It's where you're going that makes life so worth living.

I'm not sure what it is, but the universe has been really good about making me feel happy with life. This summer has been one of the most exciting and heartbreaking of my life, and now I'm in such a good place. Things have been looking brighter and brighter. I'm so thankful that I've grown in a way that lets me learn from my hard times and really enjoy the good times too. I'm really excited for the coming months and where I'll end up.

I hope that God tells me in his own words, you did really awesome my son. You did it- you overcame so much of what life threw at you. I want to know that it was worth all the pain and that I came out on top."

 

Anthony's Story Chapter 3 "Attempted"

(Read Anthony's Chapter 2 "Transgender" below)

On April 27th, 2014, I attempted to kill myself and almost succeeded. I got to a point where everything I had been through with my life and myself, my battle with my religion, my sexuality... it all became too much to handle. 

Anthony's Story Attempted

On that night in April, someone said some hurtful words that brought me down and completely destroyed me.That night when I shut my laptop, I decided that I was done with everything and that I couldn’t live anymore. I didn’t see any light in this darkness that I had. I just drove to the grocery store and bought all the pills that I could, took them when I got home, and tucked myself into bed.

A few minutes later, I realized what I had really done, so I messaged my friend and said “I did something really bad and I don’t know what to do- I just thought I should message you.’ She was the only friend who took the time to message me back. She asked ‘What’s wrong? What did you do? You can talk to me.’ So I messaged her back and told her what I had just done.

I could already feel my body rejecting all of the pills at that point. She hadn’t responded for a while and I figured it was because she didn’t know what to say. It was really because she was on the phone with the police trying to get them to go to my house. After 30 minutes, I got a knock on the door and the police came into my room. I was just laying there- so out of it. I remember watching it all happen and not responding, but I remember having a feeling of relief because they were there to help me and get me out of that situation. I just started crying because I was wanting to end everything, but there were still people who cared about me enough to want to help me get out of that hole that I was in.

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After about 3 days of staying in the hospital, I was taken to a behavioral health center. Being put into a mental health facility scared me, even though everyone I met there was extremely nice, their issues were just as extreme. I changed my whole view on life there. The classes that I took and the people that I met there were just so life changing. It was so incredible to see people who had the same issues and struggles as me but who were making an effort to actually change their view about it.

Looking back on my attempt at suicide, I am so thankful that I wasn't successful in taking my own life.  I realize there are many people that love me and no matter how bleak the future may look, there is hope. Before I go (and I want to go naturally),  I want to make sure that I lived life fully and that I appreciated every experience, good or bad. That is my message to anybody going through something like this: Remember that you are loved, there is hope and live life fully appreciating the experience it is.

Anthony's Story Chapter 2 "Transgender"

I think that the biggest reason that I was very prone to depression and anxiety was because of my sexuality. Being transgender and having my religion was one of the biggest things that destroyed me. On one side, I love God with all my heart and there is nothing that will change my mind about that. I know that he loves me and that he created me in his image, and this is how I am.

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But on the other hand, family members and friends would preach to me about how homosexuality is a one-way road to hell and that I could not have a relationship with God because I was an ‘abomination’. That really drove me straight into my depression because my whole life growing up was around God, and surrounded by Christianity, and I prided myself in being apart of this religion. When I was old enough to realize that I was transgender, it was a huge revelation to me to realize that there were people in this world who truly believe that you can’t be transgender and have a relationship with God. I don’t agree with that.

When junior year summer rolled around, that was the first year I started to turn to self-harm. Not just cuts and scrapes- I also got into really intense drinking underage. For some people in my life, the only way they thought they could help me get through things was by partying. Junior year summer was all about underage drinking and drug use. It was the only way that I could escape the awful depression and sadness besides sleeping.

I also started freaking out about my future that summer. People don’t often realize how intense being a high school senior is. Thanks to this society we live in, seniors are expected to know their whole life plan by the time that they graduate. I started to freak out about not going anywhere with my life. College wasn’t really in the question since I was born out of the United States, which makes it hard for me to get financial aid.

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The biggest thing that I was scared of was not being able to give back to my family. I get so scared thinking about that all time. They have been through so much to get me here and give me all of this opportunity, the ability to chase my dreams and live a happy life. It scares me to think that I may not be able to give back to them. I have a lot of foreign friends who tell me to just live life just for myself, but I can’t. I guess I just wasn’t brought up that way. I want to be able to do what I want, but I want to also be able to give back to my family because they have given me so much and I just can’t imagine not being something for them. All of that built on top of everything sort of led to my downfall.

Read Anthony's Story Chapter 1 "Immigrant" HERE.